Did You Set Your Relationship Goals for 2025?
Before we dive into today’s topic, let me ask you—did you set your relationship goals after reading the last post?
Have you taken time to reflect on where your marriage is now and where you want it to be by the end of this year?
If you did, that’s a powerful first step toward building "YOUR BEST US" this year!
But if you haven’t yet—don’t worry. It’s not too late. Even small goals, like committing to pray together for five minutes a day or planning a monthly date night, can create lasting change. if you still don't know where to start, here are a few practical steps to get started:
Start Small: Choose one small habit you can commit to daily. For example, send your spouse a kind text each morning or spend 10 minutes talking before bed without distractions.
Write It Down: Put your relationship goals somewhere visible—on your fridge, a shared digital calendar, or a sticky note on your bathroom mirror.
Check In Weekly: Set aside time each week to discuss your progress and adjust your goals as needed.
Remember: Small, consistent steps lead to big transformations. Okay that's enough about last week's post, let’s take the next step in strengthening your marriage by tackling a question many couples secretly struggle with but rarely ask out loud:
"Why is my spouse so difficult to love sometimes?" Are you nodding in agreement? and asking
Why Does It Feel Hard to Love My Spouse Sometimes?
I do hope it is indeed sometimes and not all the time. I know we all want to believe that love should be easy. After all, when you first met your spouse, love felt natural, fun, and effortless. But somewhere along the way, things shifted.
Maybe now your spouse’s quirks irritate you more than they used to.
Maybe you’ve started noticing how differently they think, feel, and respond to situations.
Or maybe life’s stress has taken a toll, and you feel emotionally drained.
Let me let the cat out of the bag, you’re not alone.
Many couples hit this point in their marriage. And here’s the truth: It’s not that your spouse is unlovable—it’s that they have emotional triggers you may not fully understand yet.
I hope by now you are sitting up because knowing this will help change your marriage drastically.
What Are Emotional Triggers?
An emotional trigger is anything that causes a strong emotional reaction—especially anger, frustration, or sadness. The reason why he seems to flare up for no particular reason or so you think might just be the fact that he is triggered.
Here are some Practical Examples of Triggers:
Feeling Unheard: Your spouse may get upset when you interrupt them because they grew up feeling dismissed.
Shutting Down in Arguments: They may have been harshly criticized as a child, so they shut down to avoid further hurt.
Lashing Out Under Stress: They may carry unspoken burdens that cause them to react sharply when they feel overwhelmed.
Emotional triggers often come from past experiences but show up in present relationships.
And guess what? You have triggers too.
When both partners are triggered, it can create tension, misunderstandings, and emotional distance. But when you learn to recognize and respond to triggers with grace, your marriage can become a place of healing and growth.
What Does the Bible Say About Loving Through Triggers? 📖
Loving your spouse through their triggers isn’t always easy, but it’s what God calls us to do.
In Colossians 3:13, we’re reminded:
"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."
This verse challenges us to:
Bear with your spouse when their emotional reactions seem difficult.
Forgive quickly, just as Christ forgives us.
Extend grace even when you don’t feel like it.
God’s love is patient and kind, and He calls us to show that same love to our spouse—even when it’s hard.
Let’s break this down into three practical steps you can take today to better understand your spouse’s triggers and respond with grace.
1. Identify Triggers Without Judgment
The first step is to identify what triggers your spouse—and yourself.
How to Identify Triggers:
Pay attention to moments of tension. What sparked the reaction?
Notice patterns. Does a particular behavior or topic consistently cause conflict?
Reflect on your reactions. Are you being triggered too?
Instead of reacting to your spouse’s behavior, ask yourself:
What is causing this emotional response?
Is there an underlying hurt or fear behind their reaction?
Am I reacting to one of my triggers?
Practical Tip: Keep a Trigger Journal (you can download a free copy here) to track emotional reactions. Write down what happened, how you both reacted and, what might have caused it. Review your journal together weekly to recognize patterns and discuss ways to improve.
2. Practice Active Listening
When your spouse is triggered, it’s easy to get defensive or shut down. But instead of reacting, practice active listening:
How to Practice Active Listening:
Listen without interrupting. Let your spouse express their feelings fully.
Acknowledge their feelings. for example, you can say "I hear you. I can see you’re upset."
Ask clarifying questions. For example, "Can you tell me more about what’s bothering you?"
In James 1:19, we’re reminded:
"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry."
Listening with empathy helps your spouse feel heard and understood, which can defuse emotional reactions.
3. Respond with Grace, Not Reaction
When your spouse’s trigger is activated, choose to respond with grace instead of reacting emotionally.
How to Respond with Grace:
Pause before you speak. Take a deep breath and pray for patience before you speak, for some of us, it might take a couple of breaths.
Choose kindness over frustration. Respond with a gentle tone. Its difficult to argue when your tone is gentle.
Bring peace to the situation. Ask yourself, and the Holy Spirit "How can I bring calm instead of conflict?"
Proverbs 15:1 reminds us:
"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
Here is a quick example to further help you: Your spouse gets upset because you made a decision without consulting them first. Instead of saying, "Why are you overreacting?" try this:
Pause and recognize their trigger.
Listen to their concerns.
Respond with grace: "I’m sorry I made that decision without you. I’ll do better next time."
A little empathy goes a long way in de-escalating emotional triggers.
When you learn to recognize and respond to your spouse’s triggers with grace, your marriage becomes a safe space for both of you.
Here’s what you’ll notice:
Better communication because you’re listening instead of reacting.
Deeper intimacy because you feel emotionally safe with each other.
Stronger connection because you’re working together instead of against each other.
And most importantly, you’ll be modeling Christ’s love in your relationship.
I know some might think that recognizing and responding to emotional triggers is simply indulging your spouse’s behavior without addressing the root cause. However, that’s not the case. By understanding triggers, you’re not excusing negative behavior—you’re creating an environment where real conversations can happen. It’s about approaching your spouse with empathy, which often opens the door to addressing deeper issues constructively.
If, after taking these steps, your spouse’s behavior doesn’t change or they remain unresponsive, it’s essential to set healthy boundaries. Remember, grace doesn’t mean enabling harmful behavior. It means loving with wisdom, addressing issues with truth, and seeking God’s guidance in difficult moments. Sometimes, the next step may involve counseling, pastoral advice, or even individual healing work. Please make sure you try and don't give up too soon.
Remember, loving your spouse isn’t always easy, but it’s always worth it. God calls us to love with grace, patience, and understanding—and that starts with recognizing emotional triggers.
Don't forget to Click here to download our Trigger Journal Template to help you track emotional reactions and grow together as a couple.
In the next post, we’ll dive into something equally important: How do we keep the fire burning in marriage? 🔥
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